Chapter Text
Similar to the way he’d woken the previous day, Remus was met with a shy ray of sunlight that caressed his face the next morning. He sighed. He’d never been a morning person. Sleeping in that motel with curtains sounded like heaven, especially when his knees hurt so much from being curled up all night. He’d only had half of the bench to sleep on, the other half occupied by another man.
Sirius Black didn’t belong in the sun. Of course, he was beautiful in whatever light he was in; the brightness made his hair look almost blue, the light peach fuzz across his face apparent, his skin glow. However, Sirius Black belonged to the dark, to secrets told in the night and spilled gin and messy hookups and rock and roll. Sirius Black belonged to the moon.
Remus ripped his eyes away from Sirius’ perfectly sculpted face (it wasn’t fair - the man looked as though he were an aristocratic, carved statue). He laid his head back down and resolved to let Sirius be the ‘first’ to wake up, and thought about how disastrously familiar he smelled.
Within the next few minutes, he felt Sirius begin to shift. Remus quickly shut his eyes.
Sirius grunted softly, sitting up. Remus heard him sigh and flick a lighter on and off, probably wishing he could light a cigarette, though would never disobey James.
“Wake up,” Sirius sang softly, so quiet that Remus would’ve never had heard him if he truly was asleep. To spite him, Remus stayed still, eyes closed. “Moony, Moony, Moony.” Again, a whisper.
Slowly, Remus let his eyes blink open. Sirius, unashamed, watched him, his gaze making Remus shiver.
“Your eyelashes look almost blonde, in the sun like that,” Sirius remarked. He was curled up against the wall of the van, as though he were trying to get as far away from Remus as he could.
“You look almost like a ghost, in the sun like that,” Remus grumbled, covering his eyes from the brightness.
Sirius snorted. “Yeah, a sexy ghost.”
“You wish.”
Sirius opened his mouth to say something, though apparently thought against it, and shut it.
“I’m hungry,” Remus said quietly, his stomach growling.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Probably because you didn’t eat last night. Stupid. The rest of them won’t be up for hours - must be the best night of sleep they’ve ever gotten.” His voice sounded wistful.
“You could’ve joined them,” Remus pointed out bitterly “Didn’t have to stay out here with me.”
“Yeah, but I wanted to,” Sirius replied with a smirk, tilting his head to the side.
Remus tried to suppress that feeling deep in his stomach. “Your charm doesn’t work on me, Black.”
“Oh, yes, it does,” Sirius said cheerfully. Remus couldn’t really argue that anymore. “Want to get food?”
Remus frowned. “The others aren’t up.”
Sirius shrugged. “We don’t have to wait for them. It’ll be ages before they come down.”
“Well, you can’t drive, and James’ car is brand new.”
“Don’t be so negative,” Sirius groaned, promptly tugging on Remus’ arm. “Let’s go. There’s got to be somewhere we can walk to.”
Immediately, when the cold air nipped at their cheeks, Sirius reached back for the car door handle. Remus grabbed his wrist, letting go quickly. “You said we were eating. Let’s go eat.”
“It’s windy.” Sirius’ teeth chattered.
“Well, maybe if you had your license at your twenty years of age-”
“Twenty-one, actually,” Sirius corrected brightly. Remus frowned.
“I thought you were twenty.”
“I was. Turned twenty-one in November.”
Remus paused, feeling slightly guilty. “I didn’t know that.”
“Well, I don’t know your birthday, either, so we’re even. When is yours, by the way?”
“I would’ve gotten you something.”
“No, you wouldn’t have,” Sirius snorted. “We barely knew each other at the time, let alone liked each other.”
Remus considered this. “Who says I like you now?”
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Well, your body usually does. Not sure if that’s a reflection of your thoughts, though. I suppose it’s a natural reaction to someone like myself.” He sighed dramatically, as though his good looks were the bane of his existence.
Remus stiffened. How could he talk about it so casually? It didn’t feel casual to Remus; it felt like a taboo subject, something gay people talked about.
“It made us closer, anyway,” Sirius continued on, a bounce in his step. “I mean, a month ago, we couldn’t stand the sight of each other.”
That wasn’t true, though, at least not for Remus. The issue had been that he just liked the sight of Sirius a little too much, Remus realised. How quickly temptation turned to loathing, to lust, to liking.
“I’m glad it happened,” Sirius was saying, and Remus glanced at him in surprise. His voice was daring. “Probably wouldn’t even really know you, if it hadn’t.”
“You don’t really know me,” Remus reminded him quietly, unsure of how to respond to this. His cheeks were flaming. He felt exposed and embarrassed. “And nothing happened.”
“Right,” Sirius said softly. “Nothing happened. And you don’t really know me, either, I suppose.”
They were seated at another diner, except this one was much more run-down, with several old men who looked as though they were simultaneously nursing a hangover and getting drunk. An old, tired looking woman came by with a pot of coffee.
“You’re not regulars,” she noted, her voice fond.
“How could you tell?” Remus responded with equal warmness. She reminded him of his mother; overworked, yet kind.
She raised her eyebrows, a smile forming on her wrinkled face. “Well, I never. Are you boys European? What on earth are you doing in our little corner?”
“Here for you,” Sirius said good-naturedly, and the woman laughed and patted his arm.
“You all must be with that rock and roll crowd,” she observed, nodding at Sirius’ outfit. “Are you two famous?”
Sirius and Remus exchanged a knowing grin. “Not yet,” Sirius told her. “But we will be.”
The woman shook her head. “Oh, I know it, sweetheart.”
She bustled away to another table, gently trying to wake a man who’d passed out.
“Nice lady.” Sirius emptied packets upon packets of sugar into his coffee before stirring in a very healthy amount of milk. Remus winced. “Something to say, Lupin?”
“Not sure what I could say to fix that.” Remus sipped his own black coffee before immediately setting it down.
Sirius frowned. “It’s not bad. Maybe if you mixed in a bit of creamer, it’d taste a little better.”
“Well, I can’t pay for it,” Remus said flatly. “So I’d rather not drink it.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Are we still on this? I’ll be paying for you. I thought that was established when we said we were going to breakfast.”
Remus closed his eyes. While he, on occasion, enjoyed Sirius’ companionship (if you could call it that), there were still an incredible amount of moments where he felt as though he were dealing with the most difficult person on Earth.
“No.”
Sirius shrugged. “Not really much you can do if I order the entire menu, is there?”
“Sirius.”
“Moony,” Sirius sang, tauntingly waving a sugar packet over Remus’ coffee. “If you make up your mind later, your coffee will already be tainted.”
Remus yanked the cup back towards him protectively. “Too far. Enough.”
Sirius laughed, a sound like a clear bell. It sounded like how he sang. It did something funny to Remus’ stomach. “So what’ll you be having?”
Remus sighed. “Whatever’s cheapest.”
“Great,” Sirius chirped as the waitress came back around. “Might we get two Continental breakfasts, one with sausage, one with bacon, and both with scrambled eggs? And two glasses of orange juice?”
Remus dug his hands into his hair and willed himself not to scream. It was extremely hard being friends with somebody so stubborn. He wondered if this was how others felt about him. However, it was even harder that Sirius had so much he could give, and he gave it all, and then some. He’d give his life if it was even put on the table, without so much as a second thought.
“Of course, honey.” The woman smiled again at Remus before turning to put their orders in.
Remus stared at Sirius, long and hard. Finally, Sirius met his gaze. “Eye-f*cking, much?”
“Jesus,” Remus muttered, looking out the window. Sirius had the courtesy to snort.
“Is that a bit of a blush I see there, Moony?”
“I’m red from anger, actually.” Remus turned back to Sirius. “Stop doing sh*t like that.”
Sirius shrugged. “Like what? You’ll starve to death. Plus, if it’s not me, James or Peter or Lily’ll do it, and you’ll feel even guiltier.”
“Why would I feel guiltier with them?” Remus scoffed. Suddenly, Sirius looked down at his hands.
“They don’t owe you anything.” His voice was soft. “I do.”
Remus squinted at him. “What do you owe me?”
Sirius sucked in a shaky breath. “For the way I’ve acted. The way I’ve been acting.” He looked up at Remus again, his face calm. “I’m confusing you, and it’s not fair.”
“I never stopped any of it,” Remus pointed out quietly. His ears flamed.
Sirius shook his head. “Have you ever been that way? With a bloke?”
Remus was momentarily speechless. He didn’t know how to talk about this, not in broad daylight, over a cup of bloody coffee. “No. No, I haven’t.”
“Or a girl, even?” Sirius asked softly. His voice wasn’t judgmental, though Remus scowled defensively.
“Of course.”
Sirius raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Just seeing. I never did, not until I was your age, actually.”
This surprised Remus. “You didn’t have sex with anyone until you were eighteen?”
“Not all the way. I mean, people thought I did. I just…did other things. With girls. And…” Sirius trailed off nervously, his hands fidgeting nervously. “And with boys, too.”
Remus blinked, his heart dropping to his stomach. “You said you weren’t-”
“I know what I said,” Sirius interrupted quickly, his voice tight. “I lied.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want to force it on you,” Sirius said bitterly, tracing a finger around the wood of the table. “I…Christ, I’ve been a queer for years and it’s still hard f*cking thing to admit. I didn’t want to taint you, but obviously, I’ve gone and done that, haven’t I?”
Remus shook his head. “You didn’t…you didn’t taint me Sirius. There isn’t…”
He knew it made him a bad person, an awful person, but he couldn’t say there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Because the world, because his father, because almost everyone frowned and whispered about queers.
But how could it be so bad, if he, Remus, wanted it so desperately? Dreamed of it? Was it natural? How could it be so bad if Sirius did, the most vibrant and alive and wicked person Remus had ever met? If Freddie f*cking Mercury did?
There was a long silence.
“I don’t expect you to…” Sirius lowered his voice to an almost inaudible level. “I don’t expect you to tell me you’re gay, Moony. I just wanted you to know. James, uh…he’s the only other one who knows, so don’t be talking about it too much, alright? I just…” Sirius closed and reopened his mouth several times. Remus had never seen the man, so full of crude remarks and comebacks, fail at words. “I wanted you to know.”
The weight behind the words was not lost on Remus. Even though it made him feel cruel, Remus just wished he hadn’t told him. Because now there would always be that constant what if? staring him in the face, in the van, drinking coffee with him. The constant temptation.
“Thank you,” Remus got out. “Thank you…for telling me.”
“Are you upset?” Sirius asked, his voice so nervous and tight that Remus wanted to take his face in his hands.
“No, of course…of course not.” Remus squeezed his eyes shut. “I just…I can’t tell you anything. I haven’t…I’ve never…”
“You don’t need to tell me anything,” Sirius assured him quickly, his hands reaching for Remus, though pulling back immediately. He cleared his throat. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything, actually. Even if you decide on…if you know how you feel, one day, you still don’t have to tell me.” It sounded like a plea.
Here was the thing. Remus knew exactly how he felt. He wanted to go back to the van and pull Sirius into the backseat and do awful, awful things. He knew that he did not only like girls. It was apparent now.
But there was also this. The band. What would happen, if Sirius and Remus…something? It would be a secret, forever, that was for sure. Remus wasn’t even sure if he’d want James to know. And it wouldn’t end well. He and Sirius were much too the same and much too different to ever make it work. They’d end up loving, in the end, drinking and booze and drugs more than they could love each other. It was a doomed beginning and a doomed end.
So, yes, Remus wouldn’t say anything. Not for a while. Not until his heart threatened to reach through his chest and shake Sirius silly. And when he would say something, it would be because it hurt even more to act friendly than it did not to not speak to Sirius. It would be a stolen, blink-and-you-miss-it, painful love, if you could even call it that. And it would hurt, very much.
But for now, they’d only just become friends. They’d only just made it to America, and they were about one more night away from making it to California, where there would be only more unknown. Remus couldn’t bear another change. He couldn’t bear being the reason everything went sideways. So he wouldn’t, for himself. For the band.
For Sirius.
“Can we turn on some music?” Peter asked. They’d been back in the car for an hour, and nobody was as annoyed with each other as they had been yesterday. Well, besides Sirius and Remus, who’d gotten little sleep.
“Hold on,” James said happily, adjusting the controls on the car. A song by the Eagles started playing, and Remus sat up.
“f*cking love the Eagles,” Remus murmured, quiet beneath the music, though loud enough for Sirius to hear. The man looked back at him, his gaze soft. Remus gave him a small nod.
They were good. The rest of breakfast had, yes, been a little awkward, but it was a tension that would dissolve throughout the rest of the day.
Remus knew something, however, had changed in Sirius’ demeanour toward him. There would be no more of the strange nights, the soft touches, drunken flirtations. Sirius had a set in his shoulders that made Remus sure of this.
While the fact made Remus…regretful, he knew it was for the better. There was something forming there that, momentarily, seemed more important. Friendship. A strong one. A good one.
And not just with Sirius; with all of them. Lily had rolled down her windows, letting in blasts of cold air, singing at the top of her lungs to the song. Sirius had joined in, never to let someone one-up him, and then eventually James, because James would never be left out. Remus hummed along quietly and realised, his heart warm, that this was what was always going to be. This had always been what was meant for him. They were meant for him.
And there was nowhere else he’d want to be.
Take it easy, take it easy
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don’t even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy…
